Hillbilly Wants A Special Kind Of Happy Ending - Prank Call

Best quotes: 

• “I saw your advertisement on the listing of the Craig.”
• “I don’t want your flappy boobies all over me or nothing.”
• “I would make sure that it's of the perfect consistency for MAXIMUM TOE PENETRATIONS”

Body of content:

I found a listing on Craigslist by a woman who was advertising herself and a friend for “massage” services that looked more like a front for something sketchier. I prank called her as Billy the hillbilly to ask for a special kind of happy ending she was NOT prepared for! This happy ending prank went a little too far for her taste when I got some freaky foot fetishes involved.

What ridiculous requests should I ask for next time I find one of these sketchy Craigslist ads? Do you think this lady stopped offering these services after her creepy encounter with Billy? Let me know what you think in the comments below!

 

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Transcript

[phone ringing] 

Lady: Hello? 

Pranker [speaking as Billy]: Hello?

Lady: Eh, hello. 

Pranker: Yes ma'am, I saw your ad adver-, advertisement on the listing Craig? 

Lady: Oh, oh yeah, yeah?

Pranker: I wanted to know some more information about what ya'll have to offer if you ar-, uh have some AVAILABILITIES for tomorrow maybe?

Lady: Uh, sure, sure! What would you like to know? 

Pranker: Uh yeah, how much do-, do ya'll charge for your services?

Lady: Uh, well, depends on what you're looking for hun. Uh if you want a straight massage it's-, it's sixty? 

Lady: Anything apart from that is extra.

Pranker: Okay, and how much extra we talking about? What kind of extras do ya'll have? 

Lady: [laughs] Oh, where are you from? 

Pranker: I'm from Toronto.

Lady: "Toronto"? How come you've got such a strong accent? 

Pranker: You see I moved from, I-, I-, DUN DIDDLY moved from Nebraska maybe 2 years ago? The-, the accent hasn't uh-, hasn't quite worn off yet-

Pranker: I know ya'll Canadians-

Lady: OH NO I LIKE IT-, I-, I like it, I thinks it's great. 

Pranker: Oh well, great! I'm happy to hear that! I like your accent too. DUN DIDDLY DUH DAH-

Lady: Thank you. 

Pranker: YEAH.

Lady: [laughing] Oh wow that's funny. 

Pranker: YES, I want to know what kind of EXTRAS ya'll have to offer here because I, you know, I'M open to-, to discussion, if you know what I mean. [giggles]

Lady: Okay, yeah, for sure! So, [button sound], we offer full service, you know-

Pranker: Ok-

Lady: full service-, for clients, uhm, for that for one girl, it's $120 for half an hour. 

Pranker: Oh, okay wait, how much is it for TWO girls? 

Lady: Eh, well double that, so $240.

Pranker: Oh okay, alrighty, well, you see here, I don't really want nothing sexual or nothing, I just wanna good massage! And I thought: "Hey! You know what-

Pranker: a massage is great with ONE person, if I had TWO people touching me, that'd be fanTABulous. You know what I mean? DUN DIDDLY DOO-

Lady: Absolutely! 

Pranker: oh.

Lady: Absolutely! So if you're not f-, looking for anything sexual will be uh, for a half an hour for one g-, one girls only $60, so if you wanted 2, it-, it's $120, yeah.

Pranker: Oh, y-, you go-, see, I'm-, I'm a married man so all you guys are gonna have your clothes on and everything, right? Because I don't want your flappy-

Pranker: you know, B**BIES, all over me or nothing.

Lady: Uh, yeah, if that's what you prefer we could be-, fully clothed that's not a problem.

Pranker: Yeah, to be honest, I'd really prefer if ya'll wore like a TURTLE neck and some SOCKS too, I mean-

Lady: [laughing]

Pranker: cover up as much skin as possible you know what I because I DUN DIDDLY DOO DAW-

Lady: [giggles] Oh god.

Pranker: I-, I told my-, I told my wife I was like: "Hey, Margaret! You have nothing to worry about, alright, you g-'ain't got nothing-

Lady: [snickering] 

Pranker: I ain't gonna go out here and CHEAT you or nothing." You know what I'm saying? DUN DIDDLY DOO DAW BUH DUN DOO DAW, YEAH.

Lady; Oh my gosh! You're too much friend, uhm, well thank you for the LAUGH, that was funny-

Pranker: Oh well-, oh-

Lady: yeah, you can call me any time, call me any time you need a just-, straight massage, I'll put on a TURTLE NECK, a snow suit, whatever you need.

Pranker: Huh! A sn-, snow, suit would be great too! But yeah I'm thinking tomorrow maybe because m-, I-, I-, I do have a little bit of a SPECIAL-

Pranker: request if you don't mind, but I don't know if ya'll be down with it, or if maybe the PRICE is right ya'll would do it or, what the deal is?

Lady: Well what's up? Enlighten me. 

Pranker: Well, the thing is, is that-, I really do have quite the uh, it's-, it's pretty serious, it's more of like a FOOT fetish maybe an-, but it's more like-

Pranker: having my feet touched and-, and massaged in very specific ways and I was wondering if ya'll could give me like a QUOTE for how much ya'll would charge for that.

Lady: Uh, uhm, hm, really, I-, I'd have to probably talk to my girlfriend and think that one over but-

Pranker: See, well basically what would I'd want i-, i-, is just to have kind of very DEEP tissue foot massage if-, if each of ya'll can grap one of my feet-

Pranker: and then uh-, if ya'll could "finish me off", quote unqoute by just suckling on my toes? 

Lady: Oh, GOD no I don't-, I don't do that, I don't do that.

Pranker: But-, but-, b-, b-

Lady: But maybe, I don't know, let me check-

Pranker: but-, before you say-

Lady: and speak to my girlfriend.

Pranker: But listen before you say no you know what I mean, I would-, I would wash them very thoroughly right in of you, put some ALCOHOL on there, put some smelling-

Lady: [laughs]

Pranker: whatever ya'll need, but I just want one a YA'LL to suckle on my BIG toes, you know what I'm saying? 

Lady: Oh boy, uh, no, I appreciate that you'd wash them and everything but it's just, to me, I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't. 

Pranker: I will pay you whatever, you need, I-, one thing I haven't told ya'll, because I don't like people taking advantage of me because is-, is-, money ain't an issue-

Pranker: alright? Money ain't gonna be a PROBLEM, but I need to know, if ya'll can get DOWN with it. 

Lady: Oh boy, NO, NO, because like, I'm in the same boat too money's not that big of an issue too like, I don't need to be out here making that kind of-

Pranker: Hey-

Lady: money, so-

Pranker: listen I-, I-, if it w-

Lady: I'd have to pas-

Pranker: listen, let's-, let's here okay? If money wasn't that big of an issue for you, wouldn't be offering you know, sexual massages on Craigslist, you know what I mean? 

Pranker: So what I'm-

Lady: [laughing] 

Pranker: so, I'm-

Lady: Well, I’ve gotta do SOMETHING my spare time, you know what I mean? 

Pranker: yeah, can suckle on my toes, you know what I mean? DUN DIDDLY DOO DAH-

Lady: [laughing] Oh-

Pranker: Oh my god-

Lady: I-, is your girlfriend there maybe? 

Lady: Pardon? Pardon me? 

Pranker: Is-, is-, the other fe-, female there with you? 

Lady: No, she's not there tonight-

Pranker: Alright-

Lady: she's not here tonight.

Pranker: well, let's just talk about me.

Lady: SHE'LL BE HERE TOMORROW.

Pranker: Alright, and-, and-, your name is, ma'am? 

Lady: My name's Natalia Baby.

Pranker: "Natalia Baby" I like that LAST name. It's GOOD one.

Lady: Oh, right on. 

Pranker: My na-, my name's Billy, alright, it's great to meet you-

Lady: Alright "Billy".

Pranker: So uh-

Lady: It's great yo meet you too!

Pranker: so if I do-

Lady: Uh-

Pranker: wash my feet very thoroughly in front of you, how much would you charge for a one hour massage with a-

Pranker: toe suckling happy ending? If you know what I mean? 

Lady: [laughing] Oh boy, uhm, hm, well, I'd have to think about that sweet love, I'd have to DEFINITELY think about that-

Lady: I can ask my friend if she's into it but I know that wouldn't like probably gag, and make a mess and puke all over the place-

Lady: no I do not have a foot thing-

Pranker: EVEN-, EVEN BETTER YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'D BE TOTALLY DOWN WITH THAT!  

Lady: Mhm, [laughing], oh-

Pranker: CAN YOU CAN-

Lady: my- 

Pranker: ALL OVER ME, my wife ain't got a problem with that. She told me: "If they wanna throw up on you, it's all good that's fair game."

Lady: Oh god buddy-

Pranker: Might you-, might get a little tip from that too, you know what I mean? 

Lady: [giggles] Oh, boy you're funny, y-, you are a good laugh.

Pranker: I swear to you, I'm dead serious, I just wanna know how much, you would charge for me, if you wanna suckle on my BIG toes-

Lady: Jesh, [giggles], man, for an hour of suckling on a toe, I would have to say man, at least 300 bucks. 

Pranker: 300 bu-, okay, ALRIGHTY! We can do 600, that sounds great! Listen, uh w-, okay, and we can do that, I would pay you $300, if I just want-

Pranker: to get really into it, I want you to pretend li-

Lady: No-, you won't be playing me, honey, and you'd be paying my friend but, yeah, okay, I'm sure she would-

Pranker would you at least watch? Make compliments like: "Oh god, Billy! I love it when you wiggle your TOES like that, you look so nice, Billy."

Lady: [laughing] I might be able to do that, I might be able to do that.

Pranker: But can you at least do it, like with a s-, I want you to do it with a serious face, I don't want you to be GIGGLING over there, and be like:

Pranker: "Oh my god, Billy [mumbling] say, you look so great!"

Lady: Mmm, my god. [giggles], yeah, I can be a good actress, I'm sure I could keep a straight face-

Pranker: Eh, ar-, are you-

Lady: I could probably do that.

Pranker: are you into any weird thing? I could help you out with something, maybe. I don't know, we could have a mutually-

Lady: I don't know. 

Pranker: could have a mutually beneficial-

Lady: [quick sobbing laughter] 

Pranker: real-, relationship, you know? 

Lady: Yeah, the weirdest thing I'm into is MISSIONARY, how you like that? Is that strange? 

Pranker: E-, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

Lady: "That's disgusting" N-, [button sound], no, you see? 

Pranker: Y-, you are you-

Lady: That's definitely-

Pranker: you're into some-

Lady: some weird crap. 

Pranker: you're into some kinky stuff here ma'am, I don't-, you might wanna see somebody about that, I'm just-

Lady: [laughing]

Pranker: I'm just playing [laughing], alrighty well, uh, so can we do that you think? See I'm-, I'm trying to ease you-

Pranker: into my weirdness to be q-, quite honest, because I have some more requests, if you might be into it but I don't know, you were really-

Pranker: into the whole FEEL thing, so you might not be down with it.

Lady: [giggles] well, I'm-, we-, we're pretty accommodating but it's not me, I cou-, I know some girls that will trust me. 

Pranker: Oh you know some weird people huh? You got some weird friends? 

Lady: Yeah, I do, I do-

Pranker: Okay, and uh-, well one thing I-, well, do you know anybody who might be willing to... If I defecate into a paper plate-

Pranker: do you know somebody that might step on it with their bare feet? 

Lady: No, no, no, DEFINITELY not. 

Pranker: You said-

Lady: DEFINITELY not.

Pranker: you had some weird friends what happened? 

Lady: I do but not that weird, I'd have to probably go... Downtown, and find someone for you for that. 

Pranker: See, what I'd do here, I would make the, I would make sure that it's of the perfect consistency for MAXIMUM TOE PENETRATIONS, hello? 

Lady: Okay, Billy, Billy, I can't be-, I gotta go baby, I-, gotta go.

Pranker: Oh, uh-

Lady: It was nice talking to you.

Pranker: N-, Natalia baby, it was nice talking to you too! So, you can't do it for me? O-

Lady: No, I'm sorry-

Pranker: Oh, aw, sh-

Lady: I'm sorry.

Pranker: the SHOO BUH DEE DOOP UH DEE, can you say it with me? Say: "SHOO DEE DOO DEE."

Lady: Mhm [laughing] [hang up]

Pranker: [laughing] NO.